The Nonsensical Journal

Almost done now, just need to make sure those aren't grenades...

My most enjoyable moment in life is facilitated through two things that I loathe; Airports and Airplanes. I love to travel, whether to the same favored destinations or brand new exciting (or disappointing) new realms… I call countries realms, for that’s what they seem to me. A realm where others have different norms, cultures, languages, and what might sometimes seem weird and disgusting to me, is completely acceptable by them… and vice versa…  

And as the excitement brews inside me it steadily gets weighed down by the frustration of airports. I can’t have any metal on me, unless I want to beep and be asked to step back and forward and remove my belt, shoes, jacket, pants, after which if you continue you to beep someone will gladly step up and legally molest you, or as they say, “pat you down”. 

And if things don’t get perverted enough for them, they ask you to step into the Latex glove room. 

I am not sure what sort of masochist terrorist wants to start the explosion from his crotch, but sure go ahead grab my crotch, after all stepping into an airport is signing an invisible waiver to all your rights to any sort of privacy what so ever… And if you think there aren’t cameras in the bathroom, you are delusional. 

Next much like cattle, we are dumped into a common area where we await our herders to separate us into the tunnels… I have never related more to barnyard animals than at the instant we are led down that aisle into the plane. 

Well I never related to barnyard animals generally, so saying “more” is an exaggeration… however there was this drunken time in college with a dominatrix and a… moving on… 

You get on the plane and are directed to your seat like a well trained seal, but instead of fish they chuck you a bag of peanuts. Then comes the most ridiculous speech, or televised instruction, ever invented by mankind… the possible positions and actions I need to take in case the plane begins to crash. 

Call me a cynic, a pessimist, a Gloomy Gus, whatever you wish, but I refuse to be convinced that assuming a hunched down position will save me from the collision of tons of metal and fuel with ground or water… Tell you what, I’m going to recline my seat, kick my feet up, and get comfortable for the last time of my life, fuck it I’m going to switch on my cell phone and light a cigarette too. 

What’s the point of adding those nifty new “Airplane Mode” on mobile devices, if the cabin crew is still going around asking you to switch off the device? Bitch, this is why I bought an iPhone, and by the by my iPhone will not bring down the plane, my money is on gravity first. 

Oh and you know something? When you come around like dicks and ask me to put up my seat for takeoff and landing without giving me a valid explanation, when you walk away, I recline it… Yes, I recline it every single time and nothing happened… Fuck You.