The Nonsensical Journal

“Rather hot in here isn’t it?”

“Well… it is hell. It would be inappropriate if it wasn’t hot don’t you think?”

“I suppose… Where’s all the fire?”

“Oh that was abolished long time ago; I don’t know why people think there are still fires down here”

“Well, it’s kind of what all major religions described and such, so you know… expectations and such…”

“Yes well it does have some truth to it, but we stopped that ages ago. You have no idea the safety hazards it presented with all the open flames… not to mention the accidents, and Demons don’t have that health insurance Angels get”

“Ah… so what goes on then?”

“Work! Lots and lots of work, monotonous hours of tedious data entry on MS Excel. You wake up at 5am, go sit in front of a desk for a good twenty three hours, no lunch breaks, and go home… Oh and full suit, tie and all.”

“……..  So no flames eh?”

“None whatsoever, but you get to work in a stuffy office with no a/c”

“To be honest, last thing I expected was a meet and greet”

“Too many Demons, too little jobs, we have to do something”

“Yes yes, have to keep yourself busy, after all idle hands are the Devil‘s work”

“Ha-ha… Good one! Almost had me going there for a second”

“Thank you you’re too kind…”

“Evil”

“Pardon me?”

“You were saying that I’m too kind, which is an insult down here”

“Ah… Very well then… Thank you you’re too evil”

“I haven’t had a compliment in ages!”

“Happy to oblige… so… what happens now?”

“Well we go over some paperwork, tabularize your sins and see which level you belong in”

“Lots of torture going on here I suppose?”

“Yes of course, we are in the torture business after all, but with each descent the torture gets harsher”

“Interesting… You know, those rape charges were dropped”

“Hah! That’s what they all say”

“No really the judge dropped the charges”

“Yes, but we saw you… Not only that my cousin was the one who talked you into it, crafty Devil my cousin”

“That can’t be possible, there are billions of us down there, the odds are…”

“The odds are just about the same as Heaven and Hell existing”

“Touché… Well I’m not off to a great start”

“Hey if it makes you feel any better, no one is ever off to a good start when they start off in Hell”

“That sounded like one of the motivational posters my boss used to put up… I hope he’s in here the bastard”

“Well lets step into my lair, open up that fact sheet of your life and see if you’re going to be office tortured or Spanish Inquisition tortured”

“I kind of hope it’s the latter”

“Don’t we all… Don’t we all”

“You’re awfully cheery for a Demon of hell”

“Yes, well I am the meet and greet, wouldn’t want you to get a bad idea from the start”

“Don’t you mean good idea?”

“……..”

“Which would mean you’re doing a really bad job, I demand to speak with the Manager!”

“Look keep your voice down, last time someone asked to speak with him both the person and the Demon ended up in the pit of rabid pandas”

“Rabid pandas?”

“Oh vicious creatures, probably one of the worst down here”

“Pandas? You folk are seriously lacking a creative team”

“What’s wrong with Rabid pandas? Everyone here expects clichés of two headed serpents blowing fire from their nostrils… no one ever appreciates the sarcastic subtlety of Beelzebub”

“Well pardon me if I’m not in the mood to appreciate much at the moment”

“Oh I totally get it; most of the people come here and lose their appetite for weeks…  Then they get it back only to realize we don’t serve food in hell”

“Oh? What happens then?”

“Well… They start wishing they would lose their appetite”

“But they never do I’m guessing?”

“Nope, it’s all part of Satan’s torture plan. His attention for these fine details is quite remarkable”

“I suppose that’s what makes him the boss”

“No actually it’s something to do with an Apple and Adam, not quite sure, the educational system here is so poor”

“Naturally… So what’s the verdict?”

“Well it seems like you ended up with a strict Data Entry job.”

“Out of curiosity what sort of Data are we talking about here?”

“None”

“You lost me”

“Well there is none so basically all you do is open Excel, and in the A1 cell you will type “A1” and in A2 you will type “A2” and so on, quite simple really”

“Yes… I suppose”

“Well after you are done entering all this data, you print it out at 4PM and quickly review it for errors and submit a report to management before you can leave”

“I can’t possibly review all that in an hour! And a report about what?!”

“I think you are quite getting the gist of it now”

“Oh… Crap… There is no “leave” is there?”

“Hah! No there isn’t! The look on their face when they figure it out, priceless, every time I tell you, never bores me!”

“You’re really annoying”

“It’s all in the fine details I tell you”

“Hell…”

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