The Nonsensical Journal

Survival meaning a very well designed sense of apathy…

They call it a dysfunctional family unit, when it really is a dysfunctional life. That’s all a dysfunctional family means really, that you have been gifted with a dysfunctional life that you may keep filling up with dysfunctions as you casually meander through life and society…

It’s a dysfunctional life that I have been blessed with, and I have with dedicated meticulousness filled it with my own unique dysfunctions over the years. Some fashioned out of past experiences, some influenced by them, and others were birthed completely out of my own innovative creativity.

Many people think they are dysfunctional when they’re really not; they are like the hipsters of the dysfunction scene. We don’t really know what to do with them. We let them hang around but mostly to have someone to mock… Then you have a select few who try to relate to you by citing that they have a relative who went through the same thing, and they never really understand why we refuse to believe that they understand the matter…

Let me break it down in simpler terms… I’m lying in the hospital in an entire body cast in excruciating pain, and then someone walks in and says, “Oh I totally feel your pain, my neighbors cousin was in the same situation”… See… it means nothing to me, at best it means that me and your neighbors cousin relate to this situation much more than you and me ever will…

Mostly these people are excused, because I understand that somewhere within human nature is the need to show compassion and empathy by relating… we cannot seem to do it without bringing up some sort of example from our own lives, just to make things… relevant, I suppose…

Let me explain what some signs of a dysfunctional family are, which you can feel free to use as reference to identify your relating to the matter…

The closest you have ever come to a family lunch was two members of the family eating standing up in the kitchen when they coincidently happened to be there at the same time.

‘How the hell would I know?’ is the standard answer to any inquiry made about the whereabouts of a sibling/parent… it is also pretty much the standard answer to anything else.

You were “raised” to observe morals and ethics that were never implemented by any adult, which is why the first word you ever said was probably the word ‘Paradox’…

Speaking of paradoxes, this is the standard for all family arguments and discussions. Paradoxical arguments are the keystone to the integrity and health of a dysfunctional family…

For example

‘Your father is an asshole’

‘Yes he is’

‘Don’t talk about your father like that’

A typical conversation among the authority figures (read: parents) consisted of escalated verbal violence, yelling and someone storming out with, or without, a suitcase only to return hours or days later… This is usually a making of a good dysfunctional weekend.

You have constantly been barraged with one parent informing you how valuable family is, five minutes before or after being informed that this family was the biggest mistake ever.

Explaining your problems to friends with functional families is futile and useless. These people respond with logic coupled with a perplexed tone and look of why this logic has failed you… You on the other hand have no way to explain to them why logic simply isn’t an applicable option in your family, for a reason that you’ve spent your entire life trying to fathom…

Friends who hail from similar dysfunctional settings, however, nod in complete unison and comprehension to the preposterous scenario that you just detailed… Usually they respond with one sentence or less and it’s on point…

Sarcasm is your permanent vocal tone, and the only means of communication. Rolling your eyes is a habit you cannot shake off, even when you are actually having a good, albeit rare, time…

While all family members reside in the same home, each persons room is a doorway to another dimension that is completely detached from the rest of the place. Closing that door is a sanctuary that is akin to stepping into an alternate dimension where you can, and will, disappear for the day… or even days…

Consequently you have overheard family members bitch about you because they thought you were not home… Opening doors is not the family forte, but you could all be the Donald Trumps of burning bridges…

The only thing you all have in common as a family is a string of unsuccessful relationships… You are either dating someone who is pretty much functional and therefore can never relate, or you are dating someone who is as dysfunctional, in which case you both bring to the relationship enough baggage to put an airport to shame…

A required minimum of one family member being seen only twice a day… Once in the morning when leaving to work, and once at night when returning to sleep. That person is dubbed as “The Drifter” and sometimes you are baffled at their ability to not give a shit in an ocean of fecal matter…

Birthdays, Christmas, Thanksgiving, and all these family oriented occasions are the worst time of the year. It’s like creating insincerity juice from disingenuousness concentrate…

To a casual observer, say a home intruder for example, your family photos seem at best to be a random gathering of absolute strangers in front of a camera…

You have no desire to meet or talk to any of your extended relatives because… Why the fuck would you?

While many philosophers have wasted their nights away wondering and speculating about the meaning of life, you have done the same thing about why your parents ever got married in the first place…

Nintendo was your official babysitter growing up.

Your brain can be the foundation for NSA Phone tapping software. You have developed the uncanny ability to tune out and not listen to a single word, only to tune back in when certain key words are heard.

You have had to restrain yourself from either choking or bludgeoning people to death when they inform you that all you need is to adopt a positive attitude and everything will fall into place…

You get together with other dysfunctional friends and share these hilarious insights from other people on how you can improve your reality…

‘I don’t know’ is your auto response to everything, sometimes before the question is even asked…

There are many more signs and details but it would take forever to write up. If five or more of these signs are familiar to you, then by all means welcome to the dysfunction club, where members are usually not here, and neither do we care…